| COFFEE HUMOR |
 |
| Home Page | FOOD HUMOR | DRINK HUMOR | COFFEE HUMOR | BARBECUE (BBQ) HUMOR | CANDY and DESSERT HUMOR | CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS | DaWor | Favorite Links Page | DIET HUMOR | DIET JOKES |
|
WELCOME CAFFIENDS!
|
FOOD AND DRINK HUMOR / HUMOUR & JOKES: a 65-year plus collection. Compiled by Daniel Worona "Rara Avis." COFFEE HUMOR SAYINGS and COFFEE JOKES (COFFEE QUOTES AND PUNS, COFFEE FUN RECIPES, LATTE, CUPPA JOE, CAFFEINE & ESPRESSO LAUGHS): 100 FUNNY COFFEE JOKES AND HILARIOUS COFFEE HUMOR. 1. MEN ARE LIKE COFFEE. THE BEST ONES ARE RICH, WARM AND KEEP YOU UP ALL NIGHT LONG. 2. COFFEE JOKE: AN OVERWEIGHT MAN WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW COFFEE MADE HIM NERVOUS. I SAID WHY DON'T YOU QUIT DRINKING COFFEE. HE SAID, "BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T HAVE THE SHAKES, I WOULDN'T GET ANY EXERCISE AT ALL." 3. HONEY, THE COFFEE ISN'T HELPING. GET THE JUMPER CABLES. 4. I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH CAFFEINE. I HAVE A PROBLEM WITHOUT IT!!! 5. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE AND MEN ARE SO MUCH BETTER RICH. 6. COFFEE JOKE: DID YOU HEAR THE STORY ABOUT THE COFFEE? NEVER MIND. IT'S STEAMY HOT STUFF. 7. SHE'S LIKE YESTERDAY'S COFFEE... --A LITTLE WEAK IN THE BEAN. 8. COFFEE JOKE: A MAN WENT TO HIS DOCTOR AND SAID, "EVERY TIME I DRINK COFFEE, I GET A STABBING PAIN IN MY RIGHT EYE." HIS DOCTOR SAID, "WELL, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TAKING THE SPOON OUT OF THE CUP FIRST?" 9. Coffee humor button: I DON'T DO DECAF. 10. Coffee humor buton: JAVALICIOUS. 11. The good old days: REMEMBER WHEN WE WOULD TALK OUT OUR PROBLEMS OVER COFFEE AND A CIGARETTE? NOW THEY ARE THE PROBLEMS. HoW To KeEp A HeALthY LEveL Of iNsANiTy aNd dRiVE OtHEr pEopLe iNsAnE: At the office put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Please use your regular e-mail service to e-mail me at: dworona@yahoo.com. |
|
|
|
COFFE HUMOR AND COFFEE JOKES: A 65-YEAR PLUS COLLECTION.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN... 1. YOUR COFFEE CUP IS INSURED BY LLOYDS OF LONDON. 2. YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF NUTRITION COMES FROM "SWEET & LOW." 3. YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR EYES OPEN. 4. YOU THINK BEING CALLED A "DRIP" IS A COMPLIMENT. 5. YOU WALK TEN MILES ON YOUR TREADMILL BEFORE YOU REALIZE IT'S NOT PLUGGED IN. 6. JUAN VALDEZ NAMED A DONKEY AFTER YOU. 7. YOU ANSWER THE DOOR BEFORE PEOPLE KNOCK. 8. YOU NAME YOUR CATS "CREAM" AND "SUGAR." 9. YOU CAN OUTLAST THE ENERGIZER BUNNY. 10. YOU GO TO AA MEETINGS JUST FOR THE FREE COFFEE.
|
|
|
YOU CAN SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE DEAD
|
|
|
|
1. GIVEN ENOUGH COFFEE, I COULD RULE THE WORLD. 2. COFFEE, n. break fluid. 3. IF IT AIN'T CAFFEINATED, IT AIN'T COFFEE. 4. A MORNING WITHOUT COFFEE IS LIKE SLEEP. 5. A MORNING WITHOUT COFFEE IS MOURNING. 6. A MORNING WITHOUT COFFEE IS A TIME FOR MOURNING. --Woriginal by Daniel L. Worona 7. Waitress: WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE BLACK? COFFEE JOKE: Q: What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee? A: Java the Hutt! COFFEE JOKE: “Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer. “Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.” “Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer. COFFEE JOKE: Q: What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop you’re sure you’ve been to before? A: Déjà brew. COFFEE JOKE: Q: Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso? A: It’s a cheap shot. COFFEE JOKE:
Who charges more per cup? COFFEE JOKE: A: Break fluid. COFFEE JOKE: A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.” COFFEE JOKE: Q: How does Moses make his coffee? A: He brews. COFFEE JOKE: HUSBAND: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. WIFE: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning. COFFEE JOKE: Q: Why are men are like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night! HIGH TECH COFFEE JOKE: Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee? A: He installs Java! COFFEE JOKE: Q: What did the caffeine addict name her cats? A: Cream and Sugar. COFFEE PUN: Q: What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee? A: “What’s Sumatra with you?” COFFEE JOKE: Q: What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common? A: They are all better rich! COFFEE JOKE: Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee? A: Mugging! COFFEE JOKE: Soup of the day: Coffee. COFFEE JOKE: Q: What do you call sad coffee? A: Despresso. COFFEE JOKE: Q: How do you make Pig Jerky? A: Give them some coffee. COFFEE JOKE: Q: What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion? A: I asked for coffee. COFFEE JOKE: The worst part of waking up from a nap is coffee in your lap! COFFEE JOKE: Barista: How do you take your coffee? Coffee Addict: Very, very seriously. COFFEE JOKE: ‘Ever notice that when you serve someone a cold cup of coffee, it makes them boiling mad? COFFEE JOKE: Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic A: Sanka. COFFEE JOKE: If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee. COFFEE JOKE: Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee. COFFEE JOKE: Q: What’s the best Beatles song? A: Latte Be! COFFEE JOKE: Q: How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee? A: You channel surf faster without the remote. COFFEE JOKE: A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?” COFFEE JOKE: Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee? A: Because they know how to espresso themselves. COFFEE JOKE: Q: Why is Starbucks removing the trans-fat from their menu?
COFFEE JOKE: A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee. COFFEE JOKE: Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue? A: He drank his coffee before it was cool. COFFEE JOKE: If you say “Pumpkin Spice Latte” into a mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall. Q: What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? A: I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it! COFFEE JOKES & PUNS TO PERK YOU UP: Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee? A: It made him too jumpy. COFFEE SHOP CHALK BOARD: Coffee: Because anger management is too expensive! Q: How are coffee beans like kids? A: They’re always getting grounded!” Q: What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you’ve been there before? A: Déja-brew. OFFICE HUMOR AND PUN FUN: I don’t call it coffee, I prefer the term, “break fluid”. COFFEE RIDDLE: Q: What’s the best Beatles song? A: Latte Be! DON’T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU FAIRYTALES AREN’T REAL! I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans and it brings me back to life. COFFEE: THE QUICKER PICKER UPPER: Drink coffee… Do stupid things faster with more energy. COFFEE HUMOR: Is there coffee in it? COFFEE SHOP SIGN: COFFEE SHOP CHALK BOARD: A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it. Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue? A: He drank his coffee before it was cool. COFFEE WISECRACK: How do I take my coffee? Seriously. Very seriously. I don’t need to drink coffee to be awesome. I’m already awesome. But it’s more fun when I’m awesome and awake. COFFEE? Don’t even ask. Just pour the coffee. Before coffee: I hate everybody. After coffee: I feel good about hating everybody. Coffee. Jet fuel for the morning impaired. I’m just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its power for good or evil. COFFEE LOVER: I made two espressos. One for me and one for me. COFFEE ONE-LINER: Coffee! The most important meal of the day. Q: What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym? A: The French press. COFFEE PUN: Q: What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? A: You mocha me crazy!
OCD: Obsessive Coffee Disorder. COFFEE RIDDLE: Q: Why do they call coffee mud? A: Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago. WARNING: Touch my coffee. I will slap you so hard even Google won’t be able to find you. WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO! When the coffee goes down, the eyelids go up! COFFEE DAFFYNITION: What’s a coffee’s favorite spell? Espresso Patronum! Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee? A: A mugging! Q: How is divorce like an Espresso? A: It’s expensive and bitter. COFFEE POT PUN: Q: What do gossiping pots do? A: Spill the beans. COFFEE PUN: COFFEE PUN: I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind. COFFEE MANTRA: Q: What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra? A: Rise and grind! BARISTA: How do you take your coffee? COFFEE LOVER: Seriously. Very seriously. Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A: A depresso. KARAOKE JOKIE-OKE: Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? A: Hit Me With your Best Shot! COFFEE PUN: I was reading a book about the origin of cappuccino but it was all froth and no substance. COFFEE JOKE: I went to the coffee shop and asked the barista how much a cup of coffee was. He said, “Two dollars and the refills are free.” I said, “Great, I’ll have a refill then." COFFEE JOKE: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. COFFEE JOKE: My wife made me some coffee today. I said to her, “You make a mean cup of coffee, sweetie.” She said, “It was good?” I replied, “I just said, it was average."
|
GROUNDS FOR PLEASURE
|
SCROLL DOWN TO READ A FUNNY COFFEE PRAYERS!!! GOTTA, GOTTA, GOTTA HAVE MY COFFEE: Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things like how to say words and put on my pants. MAE WEST COFFEE QUOTE: “If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.” --Mae West FUNNY COFFEE QUOTE: Life without coffee is like something without something. So sorry, I haven't had any coffee yet. COFFEE QUOTE: "Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever." --David Letterman "I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism." Abigail Reynolds, In Pemberley by the Sea COFFEE PRAYER: Lord, give me enough coffee to change the things that need to change and enough spare change to make that coffee as large as it can possibly be. [SOME E CARDS] MOCK COFFEE JOKE: "Nescafe," says a Mexican saying, "No es cafe." TRANSLATION: It isn’t coffee. Implying that instant coffee is not real coffee.
DIET HUMOR SAYINGS AND DIET JOKES: a 65-year plus collection. I hope you will take time to enjoy and laugh off a few calories by visiting my world-famous DIET HUMOR SAYINGS AND DIET JOKES Web site. It has been the #1 DIET HUMOR Web site for nearly twenty-five (25) consecutive years. Please click on this active ("HOT") link to go there now: Here is a tasty sample from my DIET HUMOR and DIET JOKES Web site: SOME PEOPLE ARE NO GOOD AT COUNTING CALORIES.... --AND HAVE THE FIGURES TO PROVE IT. DISCLAIMER: If any of these FOOD, DRINK, COFFEE, or DIET HUMOR SAYINGS & JOKES are in breach of copyright, I will willingly delete them and/or give proper credit. IMAGE CREDITS: 1. COFFEE CUP: GLADSTONE.UOREGON.EDU Coffee joke: I TOOK MY WIFE OUT FOR AN EIGHT-COURSE DINNER... A SEVEN-LAYER CAKE AND COFFEE. COFFEE PRAYER (a.k.a. THE 23rd CUP) YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN: DON'T CRITICIZE THE COFFEE JOKE: Don't Criticize the Coffee. You may be Old and Weak Yourself Someday. FUNNY ESPRESSO JOKES, QUOTES, PUNS: Espresso-ly for you! Pipe down. It’s Expresso, not Expresso. Espresso yourself. Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves. Espresso may not be the answer, but it’s worth a shot. HILARIOUS ESPRESSO HUMOR: BARISTA COFFEE APRON: When You Feel Depresso... Have a little espresso. COFFEE APRON: MORE ESPRESSO LESS DEPRESSO. ESPRESSO PUN: ESPRESSO: IT MAY NOT BE THE ANSWER BUT IT'S WORTH A SHOT. DUMB ESPRESSO PUN: Q: Why did the espresso move away from the mocha? A: Because it had bean mean. DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ!!! Coffee Fact That Adds Up: Espresso + Espresso = No More Depresso. THE REAL FACT IS: TOO MUCH IS TOO MUCH. DRINK COFFEE IN MODERATION. ESPRESSO QUOTE: I used to have two double espressos a day. I gave that up, had headaches for five days, but now I’m feeling great. Coffee is a language in itself. --Jackie Chan STUPID COFFEE PUN: STUPID COFFEE JOKE: Q: What did the Starbuck employee say when the police called and said a robber was at large? A: You mean, “At Grande?” I hope you enjoyed all the HILARIOUS COFFEE JOKES, ESPRESSO PUNS, ESPRESSO QUOTES, CAFFEINE HUMOR AND JAVA HUMOR. COPYRIGHT by DANIEL L. WORONA He has "searched the world" for more than 65-years for diet humor / humour, diet ditties, diet limericks, weight-loss humor, fat humour and diet slang. Daniel Worona has thousand's of original and unpublished diet humor sayings, diet cartoons, and diet word plays. NO ONE CAN EVEN COME CLOSE TO DULICATING THIS NONESUCH DIET HUMOR COLLECTION. WORST CASE SCENARIO: SEEKING LITERARY AGENT AND PUBLISHER: Please e-mail me if you can help.
|